Bad Day

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Well, aren't we just a ray of f**king sunshine?
3. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
4. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
5. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
6. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
7. Do I look like a f**king people person?
8. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
9. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
10. . I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
11. . I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
12. . You! Off my planet !!
13. . Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
14. . Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
15. . I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes. (I'm sure rec.cats would love this)
16. . If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
17. . The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
18. . Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
19. . I wish for a world of peace, harmony, & nakedness.
20. . Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
21. . Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
22. . And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
23. . I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 5 years.
24. . See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
25. . Allow me to introduce my selves.
26. . Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
27. . Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
28. . Better living through denial.
29. . Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
30. . Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
31. . Do they ever shut up on your planet?
32. . I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
33. . Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
34. . I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
35. . I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
36. . A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
37. . Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
38. . Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
39. . Back off! You're standing in my aura.
40. . I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
41. . Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
42. . How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
43. . I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
44. . I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
45. . It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.
46. . I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
47. . You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
48. . Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2
49. . Okay, okay, I take it back! UnF**k you!
50. . Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
51. . Nice cologne. Must you marinate in it?
52. . Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
53. . Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
54. . Just smile and say "Yes, Mistress."
55. . Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
56. . Mommy, I wanna grow up to be a neurotic bitch just like you.
57. . A woman's favorite position is CEO.
58. . Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
59. . You look like shit. Is that the style now?
60. . This is a mean, f**king cruel world & I want my nappy & medication right now!
61. . Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
62. . Earth is full. Go home.
63. . Is it time for your medication or mine?
64. . Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
65. . Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
66. . I plead contemporary insanity.
67. . And which dwarf are you?
68. . I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
69. . I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
70. . How do I set a laser printer to stun?
71. . It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
72. . I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
73. . I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
74. . Gene Police!!! Get out of the pool!! (I think that Beldin had a ditty like this on his .sig)
75. . When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
    
    And one which is my favorite and seems to have fallen off the list:
76. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

(Thanks to Khelan  for the post)