Back to menu

Shit Happens

Subject: Re: [I] beliefs eksetera
From: "R. R. Frisco" 
Newsgroups: alt.fan.pratchett

Please note the following lengthy discourse, which was posted to afp in
1996:
************************************************************
 From: ADAM JONES                    Public  
  Date: 07/13/96 at 15:51
    Re: Sh!t Happens [Request]  1


Due to a number of requests for the Shit happens list, here it is -
please don't flame me for posting it - I hope it's not too long.

Subject: shit happens

Have YOU ever wondered just WHY shit happens to you?  Well, you're not
alone.
People have wondered about this fundamental question for many ages, and
everyone seems to have a different theory. So, for your reading enjoyment,
we
have here a massive collection of various ways in which people have tried to
explain why shit happens:

==============================================================================


                                 SHIT HAPPENS

                         in various world religions
                         --------------------------

Taoism:         Shit happens.
                If you can shit, it isn't shit.
                Shit happens, so flow with it.

Hare Krishna:   Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding.
                She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens,
                 she-it, she-it...  (Repeat until you become one with
she-it)
                Please this flower and buy our shit.

Confucianism:   Confucious say, "Shit happens".
                Confucious says, "If shit has to happen, let it happen
                 PROPERLY."

Buddhism:       If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
                If shit happens, it isn't really happening TO anyone.
                Shit will happen again to you next time.
                Only he who totally gives up the desire for shit will
                 have salvation.

Zen:            What is the sound of shit happening?

7th Day Adventism:
                Shit happens on Saturdays.

Hinduism:       I've seen this shit happening before.
                This shit is not a religion, it is the way of life.
                This shit happening IS you.

Protestantism:  If shit happens, it happens to someone else.
                If shit happens, praise the lord for it!

Presbyterianism:
                This shit was bound to happen.

Calvinism:      Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.

Episcopalianism:
                If shit happens, hold a procession.
                It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the
                 right wine with it.

Methodist:      It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape
                 juice with it

Lutheranism:    Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK.
                Have faith that shit will happen.
                If shit happens, don't talk about it.

Anglicanism:    It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.

Quakers:        Let us not fight over this shit.

Catholicism:    If shit happens, you deserved it.
                You were born shit, you are shit, and you will die shit.

Charismatic Catholicism:
                Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you
                 anyway.

Judaism:        Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal?

Conservative Judaism:
                Why does shit always happen to US?

Reform Judaism: Got any laxatives?
                Shit happens to whom it may concern.

Orthodox Judaism:
                So shit happens, already!

Islam:          We don't take any shit.

Sunni Islam:    If it happens to be shit, it's Allah's will and you'd
                 better submit!
                Shiite happens.

Shi'ite Islam:  WE WILL DESTROY YOUR SHIT!
                If shit happens, take a hostage.

Nation of Islam:
                Don't take no shit!

New Age:        That's not shit, it's feldspar.
                A firm shit does not happen to me.
                This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate.
                I create my own shit.
                If shit happens, honor it and share it.
                Sheeeeeeeeeeit!
                Were all part of the same shit.
                For $300, we can help you get in touch with your inner shit.

Wicca:          If shit happened once, it will happen twice more.
                The Goddess makes shit happen.
                An it harm none, let shit happen.

Jehovah's Witnesses:
                No shit happens until Armaggedon.
                There is only a limited amount of good shit.
                Knock Knock, "Shit Happens."
                Here, we insist you take our shit.
                Shit happens door to door.
                Open the door and I'll show you what shit is.
                Good Morning, I have some shit for you to read.

Secular Humanism:
                Shit evolves.

Darwinism:      Survival of the shittiest.
                This shit was once food.

Creationism:        ... And the Lord said "Let there be shit" ... and there
                 came piles of it. After six days of this shit, He rested.

Christian Science:
                When shit happens, don't call a doctor--pray.
                Shit doesn't happen and I am not up to my eyeballs in it.
                Our shit will take care of itself.
                Shit happens in your mind.

Atheism:        I don't believe this shit!
                Shit doesn't happen. Shit is dead.
                No shit!
                It looks and smells like shit, so I'm damned if I'm going
                 to taste it.

Religion from an Atheist's point of view:
                I haven't smelt, seen, touched, or tasted it. But it's shit.

Agnosticism:    It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so
                 I'm not sure whether its shit or not.
                What is this shit?!
                I don't know shit!
                How can we KNOW if shit happens?
                You can't prove any of this shit!

Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!
                Hey, this is good shit, mon.

Mormonism:      If shit happens, shun it.
                Let the shit multiply.
                Excrement happens. (you can't say 'shit' in Utah)
                Hey, there's more shit happening over here!
                God sent us this shit.
                Shit happens again & again & again ...

Energizer Bunny:
                Shit happens and happens and happens and ...

Baptist:        You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it.
                We'll wash the shit right off you.

Southern Baptist:
                Shit will happen.  Praise the lord!

Shiite Baptist:
                Shit will happen, but only the way we say it will happen and
                 if it doesn't happen we will make it happen because that's
                 God's will and we know it...

Iraqi Baathist: Oh shit!

Voodoo:         Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped it on you.
                Let's stick some pins in this shit!
                This shit's gonna get you!

Televangelism:  Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop
                 happening...

Congregationalism:
                Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that
                 happens to another.

Unitarianism:   Shit that happens to one person is just as bad as shit that
                 happens to another.
                What is this Shit?
                We affirm the right for shit to happen.
                Go ahead, shit anywhere you want.
                It's not the shit that matters.  It's the process.
                Come let us reason together about this shit.

Orthodox:       St. Sergius found his faith in deep shit.

Greek Orthodox: Shit happens, usually in threes.

EST:            I am at cause that shit will not happen.
                You're responsible for all the shit that happens.

Fundamentalism: There's no shit in the Bible.
                If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are
                 born again.  (Amen!)
                Shit happens, but don't publish it.

Twelve Step:    Shit happens one day at a time.

Amish:          Shit is good for the soil.
                This modern shit is worthless.

Native Americans:
                Shit is sacred when it happens.

Shintoism:      You inherit the shit of your ancestors.
                Sushi happens.

Moonies:        Only happy shit really happens.

Stoicism:       This shit happening is good for me.

Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half the time.
                Christianity stole half its shit from us.

Bahaism:        Why do you keep shitting on us?
                Shit happens universally.

Mysticism:      This is really weird shit.

Paganism:       Shit happens for a variety of reasons.

Rajhneesh:      Give us your shit and put on this orange shit.

Rosicrucianism: What is this AMORC shit?

Satanism:       We hope bad shit happens to all of you.
                We will make your shit happen.
                SNEPPAH TIHS.

Witchcraft:     Mix this shit together and it will happen!

Scientology:    All this happens to be shit.
                If you leave us, bad shit will happen to you.
                This shit happened before, but we can clean it up if you
                 pay us enough.

Feminism:       This shit happened before, and WE won't clean it up!

Shamanism:      Whoaa...Holy Shit!

Sikhism:        Leave our shit alone.

Moilanenism:    Smells like shit of finnish fish.

Sureshism:      You are all pieces of shit.

Lubavitcher Hassidism:
                Blessed are they upon whom He sends His most
                 holy Shit to happen.

Mithraism:      Bull shit happens.

Branch Davidianism:
                May shit happen to the FBI!
                If shit happens, have a BIG barbecue...
                David thinks he's hot shit.

Jesuitism:      If shit happens and nobody hears it, did it really make a
                 sound?

Divorcism:      She's full of shit!
                He's fooling around with some worthless piece of shit.
                ... but Judge, you can't give her all that shit!

Creation Science:
                Shit has only been happening since October 23rd 4004 B.C.

Discordianism:  Shit makes the flowers grow and that's beautiful.

Kibology:       What's shit, and where can I get some?

Spam:           Spam happens.

SubGenius:      Shit has happened. For $20 "BoB" will sell you a way to
                 MAKE MONEY FROM IT.

Dianetics:      "Why does shit happen?" (p. 157)

==============================================================================


                                 SHIT HAPPENS

                            in other various ways
                            ---------------------

Yuppie Shit:    It's my shit!  All mine!  Isn't it beautiful?

An Employer:    Shit happens, and rolls down hill.
                You may only shit during coffee breaks.

An Employee:    I've done my shit, so can I take the day off?
                This shit's not part of my contract.

Environmentalism:
                Shit is biodegradable.
                Good shit only happens once; bad shit is recycled.

Political Correctness:
                Heavily processed nutritionally-deprived biological
                 output happens.

Heisenbergism:  Shit happened, we just don't know where or how much.

Quantum Shittydynamics:
                Shit happens only in well-defined quantities.

Einsteinism:    God does not play shit with the universe.
                Shit is Relative.

Reaction to Seeing your Mother-in-law:
                Relatives are Shit.

Washington:     I cannot tell a lie--shit happened.

Lincoln:        Four score and seven shits ago...

Nixon:          Shit didn't happen, and if it did I din't know anything
                 about it.

Reagan:         Well, I do believe shit happened. I was just taking a nap.

Quayle:         Whye doe peepl treate mee lik shitte?

Clinton:        I didn't inhale this shit.
                I tried this shit before and I didn't like it so....
                Oh, shit! I shouldn't have let that state trooper watch.

Bush:           Read my lips: no more shit!
                Wouldn't be prudent to shit at this juncture.
                This looks like foreign shit. Let Baker handle it.
                This looks like domestic shit. Let Baker handle it.
                This looks like campaign-related shit. Let Baker handle it.

Baker:          Why does Bush always dump all the shit on me?

Saddam:         The mother of all shit just happened to us, but at least
                 I'm still in power.

Perot:          I'm sorry if I dropped you guys in this piece of shit.

McCarthyism:    Are you now, or have you ever been, shit?

Martin Luther King:
                Black shit and white shit CAN coexist...
                I have a shit...

Julius Caesar:  I came, I saw, I shitted. (Veni, Vidi, Shitti)

FDR:            Grunt softly and take a big shit.

Kennedy:        Ask not what your country's shit can do for you, but
                 what your shit can do for your country.

John Paul Jones:
                I have not yet begun to shit.

James Tiberius Kirk:
                ... to boldly shit where no one has shit before!

Shirley MacClaine:
                Haven't I seen this shit before...

Neil Armstrong: One small shit for a man... One giant heap for mankind.

Shakespeare:    To shit or Not to shit, that is the question.

Tonya Harding:  hitS happen

Bobbit:         That WAS a long hard piece of shit.

Stuart Smalley: Oh Shit!  But!  That's OK.

Communism:      It's everybody's shit.

Marxism:        The rich shit exploits the poor shit, but deep down all shit
                 is alike.
                Dictatorship of the shit.

Socialism:      The same shit happens to everyone.

Capitalism:     Shit happens, and it'll cost you!
                If you're gonna sell that shit, at least make a profit.
                That's MY shit.

Commercialism:  Let's package this shit.

Idolism:        Let's bronze this shit.

Americanism:    Who gives a shit?

Japanese:       Americans will buy all our shit.

South Africa:   No more white shit.

Materialism:    Whoever dies with the most shit wins.

Utilitarianism: Whatever does the most shit for the most people is best.

Cannibalism:    Don't eat the shit.

Vegetarianism:  If it happens to shit, don't eat it.

Feminism:       Men are shit.

Chauvinism:     We may be shit, but you can't live without us...

Hedonism:       There's nothing quite like a good shit.

Utopianism:     This shit does not stink.

Impressionism:  From a distance, shit looks like a garden.

Epicureanism:   Shit happens - in moderation.

Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit is.
                Shit happening is absurd.

Realism:        I think I need to take a shit.

Denialism:      What shit?

Depressionism:  Why can't shit happen to me too!

Purism:         If shit has to happen, let ONLY shit happen.

Procrastinationism:
                I'll take care of this shit ... tomorrow.

Avoidanceism:   With all this happening, I think I'll go shit.

Repressionism:  I'll hold this shit in forever.

Fatalism:       Oh shit, it's going to happen!

Surrealism:     Fish.

Nihilism:       Let's blow this shit up!
                No shit.

Fetishism:      I love it when shit happens.

Masochism:      Do shit to ME.

Sadism:         I will shit on you!

Vandalism:      Break all the shit you can.

Hooliganism:    Raise all the shit you can.

Dyslexia:       Tihs happens.

Phone Company:  911.  Because Shit happens.

==============================================================================

                               SHIT HAPPENS

                               to computers
                               ------------

Computer Science:
                There's a bug somewhere in this
shitttttttttttttttttttttttttt

Database:       Where is that shit?

Compiler:       I don't care if it's shit, as long as it has semicolons in
the
                 right places.

rec.humor:
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>s
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>h
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>i
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>t
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>h
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>a
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>p
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>p
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>e
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>n
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>s

UNIX:           Shit dumped.

VAX/VMS:        No Privilege for attempted shit.

IBM/DOS:        It's shit, but it's compatible.

Windows:        The same shit as DOS, only GUIer.

X/Motif:        That's another client's shit.

PDP-11:         It USED to be good shit...

Cray:           If this code weren't such a piece of shit, they wouldn't
NEED
                 a supercomputer...

Macintosh:      ('nuff said)

Pascal:         Hey! That shit's the wrong type!

C:              It's shit, but it's efficient.

C++:            It's shit that's in a CLASS by itself.

Assembler:      0x000000: 53 68 69 74 20 48 61 70 70 65 6E 73 21

Ada:            It's a PACKAGE of shit, AND it's PRIVATE shit.

Lisp:           (defun Does_Shit_Happen(exp)(cond(t t)))

Fortran:        It's shit, but I don't know any better.

Cobol:          IT-IS-DEFINITELY-OLD-SHIT, BUT-IT'S-JOB-SECURITY.

BASIC:          It's shit.

==============================================================================


                                SHIT HAPPENS

                        according to the Philospohers
                        -----------------------------

Thales:         Earth, Air, Fire, and Shit

Epicurus:       If shit happens, enjoy it.

Socrates:       What is shit?  Why is shit?

Aristotle:      The essence of shittyness...

Archimedes:     Hmmm... why doesn't this shit float?
                Give me a place to stand and I'll move any piece of shit.

Descartes:      I think, so why am I in this shit?
                I shit, therefore I am.

Leibniz (as interpreted by Voltaire):
                The best of all possible shit in this world made for shit.

Thoreau:        I wanted to live deliberately ... to suck all the shit out
                 of life.

Sartre:         Shit is meaningless!
                What is shit, anyway?

Freud:          Shit is a phallic symbol.

Godel:          It can be proved that it cannot be proved that shit happens.

==============================================================================


                                SHIT HAPPENS

                           in various professions
                           ----------------------

Mathematician:  Shit happening is just a special case...

Statistician:   There is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe.

Physicist (Theoretical):
                Shit SHOULD happen.

Physicist (Experimental):
                To within experimental error, shit DID happen.

Engineer:       I hope this shit holds together.

Chemist:        I hope this shit doesn't blow up.
                Gee, what'll happen if I mix this and ... SHIT!!!!
                Damn this shit smells...

Biologist:      Is this shit alive?

Botanist:       What this daisy needs is some fresh shit.

Economist:      I hope no one figures out that I don't really understand
                 this shit.

Beurocrat:      I'm sorry, but we can't make this shit happen until you fill
                 out form XJ-314159 to make an appointment with our
Assistant
                 Sub-Deputy Manager to obtain form ZN-271828...

CEO:            (1980's) I've got all the shit I want.
                (1990's) Oooh, SHIT!

Lawyer:         For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY shit.

Doctor:         Take two shits and call me in the morning.
                Yes, it's definitely a case of shit happening. $90,
please...

Acupuncturist:  Hold still or it will hurt like shit.
                Let all that shit go.
                This will really get the energy shit moving.

Surgeon:        Shit, where's this organ supposed to go?

Psychologist:   Shit is in your mind.
                Everything that happens is shit; some of it is just
repressing
                 its subconscious shittiness.

Programmer:     It's shit, but at least it compiles.

Social Scientist:
                Let's pretend that shit doesn't happen...

Historian:      The same shit happens again and again.

Politician:     It's shit, but it'll get me elected.
                If you elect me, shit will never again happen.
                Shit happening is bad for the economy.
                My Fellow Americans, All I stand for is shit.

Waitress:       You want fries with that shit?

Teacher:        Repeat after me: one shit + one shit =?

A Professor:    Let's see how crazy they'll be neck-deep in my shit.
                Hey! I've got tenure! I don't give a shit about students.

Dean:           Let's see how much shit the faculty'll take.

Accountant:     Why doesn't this shit add up?

Linguist:       What I'm doing is a bunch of feces tauri.
                 (For non-Latin-speakers: feces tauri=the excrement of a
bull)

Quality Control Inspector:
                This shit ain't good enough.

Marketing:      This shit could sell, if only it came in different colors.

IRS Auditor:    I'll make 'em squirm for putting this shit on their tax
forms.

Farmer:         I get subsidies for my shit.

Union leader:   Give us more shit or we'll strike.

Mafia boss:     Rub the little shits out.

NYC Cab Driver: Damn, looks like I hit that shit...

Mechanic:       Shit...this will cost a lot, mister.

Chef:           It needs some more of this green shit.

Musician:       This shit is out of tune.

Artist:         If Jesse Helms likes it, it is shit.
                Shit, I wish I thought of that.
                Anything you can buy for $2.99 isn't art, it's shit.

Poet:           My childhood was shit, let me share.
                Ode to a Grecian Shit.
                My love is like a red, red shit.
                ... and miles to go before I shit, and miles to go before I
                 shit...

Developer:      Shit happens on a daily basis, that's why we have
maintainance
                 programmers.

==============================================================================


                                SHIT HAPPENS

                           on the corporate ladder
                           -----------------------

In the  Beginning was The Plan

And then came the Assumptions
And the Assumptions were without form
And The Plan was completely without substance
And the darkness was upon the face of the workers
And they spoke among themselves, saying :
'It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh'
And the workers went to their Supervisors and sayeth :
'It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof'
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them :
'It is a container of excrement and it is very strong,
Such that none may abide by it.'
And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth :
'It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide it's strength.'
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying one to another,
'It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.'
And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them :
'It promotes growth and is very powerful.'
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him,
'This new plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this
Company, and in these Areas in particular.'
And the President looked upon The Plan,
And he saw that it was good, and The Plan became Policy.

This Is How Shit Happens.

==============================================================================


                                SHIT HAPPENS

                                to your pets
                                ------------

Dog:            All I do is eat, sleep and shit.
                I did not chew the shit out of your bedroom slippers.
                When I catch a car, it will shit!
                Oh shit, I caught it!

Cat:            Why do I have to shit in this smelly pan?
                Let me sleep, you pathetic shit.
                Dogs are shit.
                I do not do unelegant things like shit, I excrete. And never
                 in the corner. It is the dog's.

Fish:           All I do is eat, swim and shit.
                Always the same dried shit for dinner?

Snake:          If I got out of this cage, you'd shit.


==============================================================================


                         THE LAWS OF THERMODYNAMICS

                          for Sanitation Engineers
                          ------------------------

0th:            There is shit.
1st:            You can't get rid of it.
2nd:            It gets deeper.

<*>

Origin: BLAKGOLD - 0791 - alt.fan.pratchett
    To: ALL
  From: ADAM JONES                    Public  
  Date: 07/13/96 at 15:51
    Re: Sh!t Happens [Request]  2
------------------------------------------------------------------------
@FROM   :Adam@yggdrasl.demon.co.uk                                   N
@UMSGID :<9607131551.AA001ph@yggdrasl.demon.co.uk>                   N
@UNEWSGR:01alt.fan.pratchett                                         N
3rd:            A nice, empty trashcan is wishful thinking.

KEEP SHOVELING!!

Enjoy everyone.

 Adam Jones - Adam@yggdrasl.demon.co.uk
------------------------------------------------
Christ died for our sins, so let's not
disappoint him

<*>
************************************
Hope you enjoyed.

-Rock
--